You and Me

I am a doer, right? Let’s do, do, do, do something.
When I see it, when it is done, good.
Then it’s time to do something else.

I am a thinker, right?

No.

I just imagine this, envisage that
I smile and laugh at the images in my head
The stories in my head make me angry
I cry, weep, sob and shiver in fright
As the internal plots unfold

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When I was in New York, my mom told me that people have different sides to them. She told me that it takes a while to know people. I had only 10 days in New York. I became friends with two people. I was really happy to be with them. I think of them fondly.

I am working now. In my work place, I sit beside a friend of mine who does Aikido and who looks like my cousin, Baskhin. So here, I’ll call him Baskhin. Baskhin is a contemplative person. He sits near the fireplace and gazes into the fire introspectively. The world around him disappears and I don’t know what he’s contemplating about. Baskhin has travelled to many places. He’s not afraid to ask questions, in fact he asks a lot of questions. He doesn’t ask dumb questions and he doesn’t ask his questions in any condescending way. I guess Baskhin is a truth seeker. Baskhin speaks his mind and doesn’t mind spending more time to explain things better to someone. Baskhin does bonsai.

Today, my French friend told me that it was hard for Baskhin to be separated from his girlfriend who’s studying in Oxford. They see each other every weekend but it’s still hard for them and they are a beautiful couple. I said to her, he seems to be fine. She said he doesn’t show his emotions.

When she told me that, I felt sad that Baskhin is hurting inside. Now I am still affected by it. I didn’t know Baskhin hides his feelings. I guess I never thought about it. And when I do think about it now, I think I’m mainly a unidimensional person. My mom said people have many sides. I don’t think I have that many. I just have my honest side and my passive aggressive side, LOL.

Being made slightly aware about how complex people are, I guess I feel a little sad, a little afraid, a little stupid. Somehow, I also feel life is more beautiful now, people are more beautiful now. Their complexity and pain and sadness and distance and disguises and masks and all that, somehow it’s beautiful.

I’m just a kid, you know. Even though I’ve lived for 22 years, I think I’m still learning the basics. I’m like, in the handicapped mentally disadvantaged class, LOL. Please be patient with me.

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I forgot to say this.

If people are that complex, then maybe the friendship I have with them is a pretty shallow friendship. If I don’t really know who they are, if they are hiding many things from me (or I’m just too blind to see them), then how friends are we.

Once I told my mom that I didn’t have any friends, that I’m not good at making friends. Maybe this is one of the reason: I don’t really know people, and I underestimate their complexity and accept what is on the surface or the limited things I see as who people mainly are.

Anyway, my mom told me that the Prophet PBUH had said, “If I had a friend, I would choose Abu Bakr and Umar as my friends.” She said to me what does this mean. She said only Allah is your friend. My current understanding is that we have a relationship with Allah at all times, with His different Names and Qualities, manifested in different people, moment by moment. So don’t get stuck on the form. Well Allah, I’m glad today You taught me a little tiny weensy eensy bit about how more complex you are than I had originally imagined with my stupid ignorant highly limited brain. Nihaha.

BIG LOVE FOR YOU ALL!

Necessary conversation

Yesterday I learned why I have been feeling so much anger and hatred these past three weeks. When you have anger and hatred boiling off the surface, usually doubt and confusion and guilt will join in the party. For three weeks, I didn’t want to see anybody. Why do I need to see anybody anyway? Why do I have to make friends anyway? Why can’t I stick to my laptop and watch j-doramas all night? Doing that takes away my loneliness. It makes me forget about me. Plus, with friends, if I’m in a bad mood, what will I do? Complain right? Say negative things right? I really hate doing that. When people do that to me, I don’t mind at all, especially if I love them. But myself? I don’t love myself that much to hear my own complaints vocalized.

The problem was really simple. In fact, it was so simple, it was really easy to ignore and undermine. So I couldn’t see the problem because I built these thick layers of emotions over it. Maybe I was too ashamed to admit the problem. Saa.

I was really excited about my birthday. Really excited. Why? Because maybe that at time, more so than other times, I wanted to know that people love me. Celebrate my birthday because you love me. Let’s really celebrate, ne? Like how I celebrated all of your birthdays because I really loved you. I want to know you feel the same way too. So suddenly my birthday became a big thing. Before, I had this assurance that I was loved even though I didn’t realize it, so I never understood why people make a big deal over birthdays.

I guess I wanted it so much that I knew I would be hurt if I didn’t get it. So defense mechanisms kicked in. “Ah, I don’t need to celebrate it with anybody. I don’t need anybody. I can celebrate it on my own.” So I joined the 20 mile charity walk in London which happened on my birthday.

Anyway, yesterday when I discovered the root of all my anger, I cried for a few minutes. Of course, I was hurt but it was only a few minutes of crying, and then it was better than before. I’m not angry anymore. I’m not denying it anymore.

I was watching Nana 2. There was this part when Ren or was it Nana, who said that they didn’t spend much time with each other but that’s good because they didn’t have much unnecessary conversation. When I heard that, I thought if I had complained to someone about what I felt, all the anger and hatred and doubts, in the past three weeks, that’d have been unnecessary conversation.

The necessary conversation is so simple, “Ano sa, nobody celebrated my birthday properly, SUGEE MUKATZUKU!”

Because that is the root and the source and everything else is just air.

ano sa……

ossu metin to yusufi to minna. ano sa, when i met you guys a few months ago, i really loved you guys. but then again, at that time, i was like in love with everybody anyway. but you guys, i really loved you guys. nande? saa. maybe because you were younger than me physically but in every other aspect, you were the teacher and i was the student; you were the big brother and i was your baby sister.

next time i see you, i think i will be more insecure than the last time. nande? shimpuru. last time i was hiding behind the play fights. omaetachi ga maji de suki datta. but im just a kid and i don’t know how to express it. and when i’m in love i have so much energy and enthusiasm you know. so it was fun wasn’t it, beating each other up, chasing each other in the playground for three hours, whacking each other with our swords and running away on the skateboards. well you guys went on the skates, i can’t do those cool stuffs.

ano ne, recently, i’ve been banned from playfighting and i’m supposed to be a lady and respect the boundaries between men and women. so no physical contact, no playfighting, et cetera. so i can’t hide under that anymore. i’ve been thinking of what to hide behind. i thought okay, so maybe i can hide behind service. i’ll work hard. we’ll cut down trees, clear the land so we can have some space to plant the trees and so forth. i’ll do my best to help with the doming project and all that. no physical contact, and i’ll be useful.

so how come….. i’m trying to hide behind some action?

ah.

i think i’m just scared.

if there’s no action going on, i.e. if we’re not playfighting, if i’m not being of service, then…… you might see me for me. that frightens me. nan de? shimpuru. that me that is not doing anything, that is not working, that is not active, that is useless……. i can’t bear to see that person. that me is a good for nothing and ignorant about everything. and that me is also pretty negative. there are a lot of negative things going around in my head. lately i’ve been getting better seeing the positive in the people and the things. but i know that the negative stuffs are still in there. hatred, the need for vengence, dissatisfaction, vexation, etc. lately, it’s been hard to be positive because i haven’t been able to hide behind physical action like martial arts, sports and service.

because it seems like all that form the root of me, i find it hard to believe that anyone could love me, unless they are great saints and they love everyone anyway. that’s why recently i haven’t trusted anyone’s smile, except for a few. nande? maybe it’s because my smiles haven’t been sincere either. it’s the smile for the sake of positivity. it’s the smile to welcome the person when the inside isn’t welcoming. it’s the “right” action to do at that time. it’s the “expected” action to do. it’s a “good habit” i’m trying to develop. and maybe it’s because if i smile at you, you would like me, even though deep inside, to be honest, i don’t really care if you like me. i just feel like i should care. but if the whole world hates me (except one or three people), maybe i wouldn’t care, if i feel i’m in the right. right now, i don’t know. so i smile, to be on the safe secure positive side.

so if you see all this, would you still like me. would you help me if it’s not a good thing to be like this, so i can get out of this dark room.

ne, metin and yusufi……..

i can write more than five paragraphs about what i like about both of you. and there are still so much about the two of you i don’t know and i want to know.

me, i feel like i’m just two-sided you know. not even three-sided. just two-sided. the image which errs on the peace and love side. and the other side which i do my best to ensure that it doesn’t leak out because it doubts everything, questions everything, wonders about everything, always indecisive, always asking, always why. WHY WHY WHY.

ne, sensei….. why do you love me? i know you’re not lying so why do you love me.

if you tell me then maybe i can see…. another side of me…… so that that side which is so soaked in negativity won’t feel like the only real thing about me……

around me people are understanding life, dealing with life, helping others, understanding the games this world plays….. me, i can’t even get a grasp of myself.

maikka.