BABY: Hoy Fatso.
Hedgehog: Shaddup. At least ah ain’t got no BABY fat. My fat is MATURE.
BABY: No wonder you stink too, fatso. You smell like MATURE cheese.
Hedgehog: You think you’re so smart, BABY? Your brain is about the size of my ASSHOLE. And the only thing that comes outta my ASS? BERRIES.
BABY: BERI-BERI BERI-BERI BERI-BERI BERI-BERI BERI-BERI
Hedgehog: Look, just shaddup. I didn’t come here to argue with you. I came here to complain at you.
BABY: I never volunteered to become your counsellor. No one will volunteer to become your counsellor. It makes humanity look BAD.
Hedgehog: I’m a hedgehog, you think I care?
BABY: Go on then.
Hedgehog: You know how humans like you love writing songs about hedgehog? You guys got like spike fetish or something. And you humans are so up your arses, you view hedgehogs only as creatures who can never love anyone so you keep using us as metaphors for your pathetic humans with no social skills.
BABY: I’m so inspired. Check this out: “I am a hedgehog, I got spikes everywhere aside from my genitals. Come one, come all to that safe area and let’s reproduce.”
Hedgehog: Yeah, let’s!
BABY: Don’t you dare, fatty. As if anyone can be bothered to push all that blubber blocking your ass.
Hedgehog: As I was saying, our spikes are pretty damn soft most of the time. We’re so molestable and lovable and huggeable. Our spikes just SPIKE UP when we feel like we’re being threatened. But most of the time, we’re just so cuddly. Why can’t humans understand this and write songs like, “Hedgehogs are cuddly but the fat ones are best”?
BABY: Maybe they’re writing about hedgehogs with some neurodegenerative disorder….. the type that can’t relax their spikes at will….. and like, they’re actually writing about HUMANS with that kinda disease to be politically correct and you’re just conflating your ego pretending humans actually spared a thought about your kind.
Hedgehog: Huh, and I was just about to say something nice about your kind! But you know what, I will be KIND and represent my KIND by SAYING IT! OMG I’M SO KIND.
Humans are actually pretty smart, come to think about it, to parallel humans who don’t know how to love, how to express their love, etc with hedgehogs who don’t know how to use their spikes correctly. Sometimes, when we fall in love, we don’t really try and understand the person we love. We’re too busy trying to make them fall in love with us in return, we’re too busy trying to make sure we don’t get rejected. We forgot about ourselves in relation to that person, and in the end, everyone gets hurt.
BABY: Will you please stop watching the damn chinese dramas on youtube?
Hedgehog: HAH! Gotcha! You couldn’t accuse me of that without having watched them yourselves on youtube!
BABY: It wasn’t me who downloaded them. It was Princess Yanagi.
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Woddeva. TBC some depressing time later.
