so when you arrive, will you love me when you see me. my heart will be at peace but my brain will jet through the four stages of sleep in one minute. it will go into hyperactive mode and sink into emergency mode. so when you arrive, i will love you more and more. that will increase and so will my fear that………..
we go through life learning about surrender and i learned that i try to take control of too many things. some people take control of things and ruin the plan. as for me, when i try to take control of things, those things never fall into my control. i don’t even get a chance to mess up. all that would happen is that my time, energy and emotions get wasted. and again, and again, this usually half-hearted me would wonder why is it when i invest my 7000% into something, i make losses which don’t impact on anybody.
at least, not to a satisfying extent.
a friend told me it’s the journey, not the goal. of course, i didn’t understand. it was too much for my brain. so i asked her: but without the goal, there would be no journey, si? she didn’t say anything so i decided to resume my one-to-one conversation with my multiple self. if it’s about the journey and not the goal, then the goal = journey. so it’s about the journey, i.e. the goal, but it’s not about the goal GOAL, but the journey goal, so it is actually about the goal.
or, if it’s about the journey and not the goal, then maybe this goal is something impossible to obtain. you’re just deciding that this something is going to be your ‘goal’ so you can motivate yourself to walk the path towards it and experience all joys and pains of that path. but you’d never reach your goal, NEVER! so why the fuck do you bother.
see, it’s too much for my brain. i really don’t understand.
so when you arrive, i will be ready to do my best to listen. to do the right actions at the right time at the right place. inside me, i’m burning with the hope that maybe you will love me and show me that love through yourself or somebody. at the same time, i’m just trying to surrender to whatever happens. have no expectations, have no hope, forget despair, forget my desires. just being at that present and…… learning from it.
