Yesterday I learned why I have been feeling so much anger and hatred these past three weeks. When you have anger and hatred boiling off the surface, usually doubt and confusion and guilt will join in the party. For three weeks, I didn’t want to see anybody. Why do I need to see anybody anyway? Why do I have to make friends anyway? Why can’t I stick to my laptop and watch j-doramas all night? Doing that takes away my loneliness. It makes me forget about me. Plus, with friends, if I’m in a bad mood, what will I do? Complain right? Say negative things right? I really hate doing that. When people do that to me, I don’t mind at all, especially if I love them. But myself? I don’t love myself that much to hear my own complaints vocalized.
The problem was really simple. In fact, it was so simple, it was really easy to ignore and undermine. So I couldn’t see the problem because I built these thick layers of emotions over it. Maybe I was too ashamed to admit the problem. Saa.
I was really excited about my birthday. Really excited. Why? Because maybe that at time, more so than other times, I wanted to know that people love me. Celebrate my birthday because you love me. Let’s really celebrate, ne? Like how I celebrated all of your birthdays because I really loved you. I want to know you feel the same way too. So suddenly my birthday became a big thing. Before, I had this assurance that I was loved even though I didn’t realize it, so I never understood why people make a big deal over birthdays.
I guess I wanted it so much that I knew I would be hurt if I didn’t get it. So defense mechanisms kicked in. “Ah, I don’t need to celebrate it with anybody. I don’t need anybody. I can celebrate it on my own.” So I joined the 20 mile charity walk in London which happened on my birthday.
Anyway, yesterday when I discovered the root of all my anger, I cried for a few minutes. Of course, I was hurt but it was only a few minutes of crying, and then it was better than before. I’m not angry anymore. I’m not denying it anymore.
I was watching Nana 2. There was this part when Ren or was it Nana, who said that they didn’t spend much time with each other but that’s good because they didn’t have much unnecessary conversation. When I heard that, I thought if I had complained to someone about what I felt, all the anger and hatred and doubts, in the past three weeks, that’d have been unnecessary conversation.
The necessary conversation is so simple, “Ano sa, nobody celebrated my birthday properly, SUGEE MUKATZUKU!”
Because that is the root and the source and everything else is just air.
