This is a complaint about myself.
I’m just a dog. I’ve always been a dog. I thought I had changed myself but I haven’t really. I just changed masters that’s all. I have been looking for the perfect master. I wanted to follow the instructions of that perfect master of mine. Do whatever he wants me to do. Because he’s right and he will always be right and whatever he tells me would be for the best of me.
My current master let me play the dog role for a while. And now he wants me to snap out of it and grow up already and it’s so hard for me.
Deep down inside I wanna be a human being. Deep down inside, I didn’t wanna just do, do, do, do, do. I wanted to understand too. I wanted to really understand. I didn’t just want to accumulate information, master skills, memorize the formula and be a robot. I wanted to have the courage to ask WHY. And I wanted the capacity to understand the answer. And I wanted the capacity to discern truth from falsehood.
So my master, he said to me: go investigate, go check that person out and report back to me. I was terrified. How do you want me to check that person out, I asked, hoping to be given a formulae. ‘Anyway you want,’ he told me. I froze in terror.
So I have to think for myself??
How the hell do I think for myself??
And then I came face to face with all my irrational fears and my imaginary binds and then I stopped dreaming of becoming a perfect dog, I started dreaming of becoming a human being and I had to force myself to have a new dream.
I don’t know how to end this post. Because it’s just the beginning of new things, there’s no conclusion yet.
Now my head’s so full of questions. Confusion, uncertainty, fear, so much fear. Deep down inside, I know my real intention. I just want to know the truth, that’s all. I don’t want to challenge anybody except myself. I have no intention to offend, to hurt, to criticize anybody. I just want to understand.
Inside it’s so empty.
God, please let me understand what you want me to understand.
