itd be nice, i thought, if sensei could tell me what to do, if he could set my future for me in a certain direction. and then, i would nod and submit to his instruction. and then, i would persevere in that path, no matter how difficult it is, because i would know it to be something that is right, something that is meant for me, somewhere i am meant to be.
but in the end, sensei didn’t say anything. he didn’t say walk right, or walk left, or walk wherever you want, or walking that way is a really bad idea. in some way, he left it up to me. and of course, of course i could think that this is his instruction, “make your own decisions.” of course, of course i could think that this is his order, and that this is what i am meant to do, this is the challenge i must face, and i must persevere in making my own decision.
and in the end, contrary to everything i thought and prepared myself for…… in the end, the most unexpected instruction, conveyed by silence……..
ah, when will it end.
i don’t know myself, i don’t know who i am, my strengths or weaknesses. everytime i try to see, there is this water barrier in front of me. when i want to see, i cannot fully see. and if i have seen, i doubt what i saw. what kind of person i am? i wanted to just live an easy life by obeying the rules; the rules being set and explained by an authority whom i trust. i wanted to just nod my head and keep walking with my head bent down, letting everything past me because i can’t bear to look at anything. just my two feet; left, right, left right. occasionally i would raise my head but only to look at the stars and the clouds and the sun and the moon. with them, i can laugh and forget about everything else including myself.
just what am i scared of anyway. always running away and hiding behind jokes and distorted facial expressions. always apologising and stammering. human beings shouldn’t live like this, right? i imprison myself in this world and construct fantasies about who i want to be in my head.
it’s my final year right; why can’t i enjoy it.
in the end, i must embrace this world, for how it is, for how i am, for how they are, how the me in their eyes, for those people in mine, for how things should be, for the unravelling of the possibilities this world must manifest.
in the end, wherever i go, whichever path i choose, whatever decision i make….. all that, might not be the point of my bigger journey. to be given a choice, to have a choice taken away, what does it matter, they are both the same. as long as i am still imprisoned in myself, wherever i go, there is no heaven.
