sometimes in life, you just have nothing to say. if someone asks you how you are, you tell them you’re fine because if you tell them otherwise, they will shoot more questions in your direction. it’s not that you’re not fine, and it’s not that you are. it’s kind of both. actually it is both. it is like, being situated in that midline. when you’re situated in that midline, you’re also intersecting midlines of other polarities. so it’s not just both, it’s more than that. and when you’re there, you’d rather not talk about it.
because if you do talk about it and try to have a decent aim at being adequately accurate, you’ll probably produce the previous paragraph’s worth of speech. and that speech disrupts that equilibrium, or that shaky delicate equilibrium, such that you’ll fall off that midline position and land somewhere very different. and when that happens, all that description is wasted because it is no longer true. it was true, only when you kept it a secret.
sometimes in life, you have so much to talk about that’s not worth listening to. but you need someone to listen to you. so being the person you are, you listen to yourself and laugh and frown and respond appropriately. this is because you think that to say something worthless is worse than to think about something worthless. this is because you think that thought left alone is better than thought expressed verbally. haha, you laugh, i don’t think like that at all. i don’t know whether that is true, i don’t think that it is true or false in this kind of situation. but i practise it anyway, and act according to it. in the end, i feel that i want to become a person without internal conflicts, where the body and the mind and the spirit are in sync, in their correct orders, responsible only for what they are responsible for.
when i think these things, and then i think again, i wonder whether i truly want something that seems so out of reach, as if almost impossible, as if that desire is something i should be ashamed to have, knowing what i have done and how i have been. haha, i laugh again. i’m not afraid of shame; i want to have that desire, even if i must be ashamed.
ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
sometimes in laugh, when you just can’t explain things anymore, laughter explains it all for you. and maybe then tears will come for the closing speech.
ha ha
sono egao, sono nakigao
boku wa warainagara nakimasu yo
