kemerepekan BABY reaches new heights!

today’s kemerepekan consists of the following whinings:

oh! the pain of not playing resident evil 4! it has been 3 weeks and alas! a few days ago after tending to this heartache, to this powerful yearning, i had a dream about resident evil. i woke up and realised that being a gamer is not a life i want to lead. but now that some days have passed, the i-wantsa-play-resident-evil-4-now returns with a vengeance and it is hurting me soooooooo. it BUURRRNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

at yesterday’s dzikr, shaykh rita was talking about spiritual discipline and how when someone wants to get initiated into the qadiri-rifai tariqat, shaykh tanner always asks whether someone has done some kinda discipline in his life, whether it’d be in the army, or music or martial arts. it makes me feel so crap, man. i don’t have any of that kinda discipline and all i do everyday is think about resident evil 4. i am so in the pits, and in that pit, i am t3h low3st amongst t3h low3st!

of course this makes me a bit annoyed at my childhood. when i was a kid, man, i was all up and pumping for piano lessons and karate (two of the disciplines mentioned above!) but alas, i wasnt allowed to do those! and now, i have grown up into this lazy fatty slimy whale …. i guess the closest thing to a discipline useful to spirituality which i have is my neuroscience studies because it forces me to constantly be on guard against resident-evil thoughts and sleepiness (because it can be such a bore).

then again, shaykh rita was talking about physical activities, and from my childhood and the madrasah i came from, where got mah. WHERE GOT. and now, i feel reluctant to take up silat with mas otto (been to his classes twice before summer) because finding private training grounds for daily practice is so inconvenient. i am so fussy and lazy and lacking stamina, oh, i am so in the pits of spiritualiteh. Y_Y SABISHIKUTE KANASHIKUTE KURUSHII DECHUUUU

so anyway, all this makes me worried that due to all my horrible traits, i won’t get permission to meet me shaykh in cyprus. BOOHOO. NO PLEASE! NA’UDZUBILLAH MIN DZALIK! Y___________Y SO SAD [cries]