….

when i’m with you, my clothes are ripped apart and cold winds scorch my skin

when i talk to you, my chest constricts so much that i can’t breathe and i can’t think, and the world around me becomes a blur

when we talk, i become dizzy and my hand aimlessly grabs words floating in the air and i throw them at you, hoping while losing hope that my reply would make sense

when i see you, i want to run away, i want to sink into the wall and put my head between my knees and cry

you, you are a strange force, capable of ripping my mask to pieces and showing me a me that i am so afraid to face

you are irresistible, i am paralyzed in your presence

you are ethereal, you place your fingers into my mind and you shape my thoughts and my perception of myself

and i let you

because i don’t know how to stop you

without

screaming and crying and wailing and threatening you

because if you touch me again, i will kill you

i want to tell you i hate you

because i don’t know how to live with you without feeling like i’m having an acid bath

i don’t want to expose my raw emotions to you

because i don’t want you to think less of me

i hate you and yet, i admire you so much

get away from me

i don’t want to hear from you

i don’t want to see you

i don’t want to read from you

more importantly,

i don’t want to be afraid of you

i want to be strong in your presence or absence

i want to be who i want to be and your eyes can show a different emotion if they wish, i will not care

i am not who you think i am

i am not that person i pretend to be because i don’t want to contradict you

i am not out of control, i don’t have multiple personalities, i don’t think about your needs before mine

i am not desperately in love with you

i am not head over heels for you

very few of what i actually do have any emotional link to you

i can make you feel good by reinforcing your thoughts about me and what you think of what i think about you, it is painful for me but it is easy for me because it is a habit

no more, i want to be strong

i will continue marching on

this time with a clear mind

without fear or favour

gleaning from the pet scan

so when you arrive, will you love me when you see me. my heart will be at peace but my brain will jet through the four stages of sleep in one minute. it will go into hyperactive mode and sink into emergency mode. so when you arrive, i will love you more and more. that will increase and so will my fear that………..

we go through life learning about surrender and i learned that i try to take control of too many things. some people take control of things and ruin the plan. as for me, when i try to take control of things, those things never fall into my control. i don’t even get a chance to mess up. all that would happen is that my time, energy and emotions get wasted. and again, and again, this usually half-hearted me would wonder why is it when i invest my 7000% into something, i make losses which don’t impact on anybody.

at least, not to a satisfying extent.

a friend told me it’s the journey, not the goal. of course, i didn’t understand. it was too much for my brain. so i asked her: but without the goal, there would be no journey, si? she didn’t say anything so i decided to resume my one-to-one conversation with my multiple self. if it’s about the journey and not the goal, then the goal = journey. so it’s about the journey, i.e. the goal, but it’s not about the goal GOAL, but the journey goal, so it is actually about the goal.

or, if it’s about the journey and not the goal, then maybe this goal is something impossible to obtain. you’re just deciding that this something is going to be your ‘goal’ so you can motivate yourself to walk the path towards it and experience all joys and pains of that path. but you’d never reach your goal, NEVER! so why the fuck do you bother.

see, it’s too much for my brain. i really don’t understand.

so when you arrive, i will be ready to do my best to listen. to do the right actions at the right time at the right place. inside me, i’m burning with the hope that maybe you will love me and show me that love through yourself or somebody. at the same time, i’m just trying to surrender to whatever happens. have no expectations, have no hope, forget despair, forget my desires. just being at that present and…… learning from it.

five a.m.

i feel it’s been such a long time since i’ve talked to
anybody

ah this feeling of being lonesome, i don’t understand

it feels like it’s been such a long time since i’ve talked to
anybody

it felt like a week, a month, a day

when the whole day was filled up with networking and collaboration and meetings
when we were laughing and sharing, learning from each other

that was an hour ago, or two hours ago and yet

right now it feels like that was such a long time ago

do
you
think
i should
go
for
a
brain scan?

are there beta amyloid plaques and neurofibrillary tangles in my head?

any aberration in the inflammatory pathways?

how are my astrocytes faring, what the fuck is my microglia doing?

i miss you and i don’t know who you are

when was the last time we talked to each other

nobody can replace you and you are probably nobody

only a figment of my imagination and even there

i cannot see your face